The 9 Most Awful Chess Sets You Could Buy

I would like to start this article with a warning: what you are about to see cannot be unseen. I'll understand if you click away right now. But if you're brave enough to power through this, get ready to see the nine most awful chess sets you've ever seen. 

Now, why am I doing this?

You might have heard of the recent collab between Tyler The Creator and Louis Vuitton. One item from Tyler's collection is a rather costly chess set. And what do you get when you bring together one of the most renowned luxury brands and a Grammy-winning artist to design a chess set? Exactly what you'd expect—something exotic, to say the least. 

a chessboard by Tyler Okonma for Louis Vuitton. pic.twitter.com/kf4OJJ1xqx

— T (@tylerthecreator) February 21, 2024

Don't get me wrong—I actually think the melted-looking pieces look interesting, and the set could make a lovely centerpiece. Unfortunately, I don't have the $18,800 necessary to buy it lying around the house. 

To be fair, many other people seem to like it, too! Tyler himself said this is one of his favorite pieces from the collection. The Reddit hive, however, are less enthusiastic. Let's just say they think the pieces are somewhat... suggestive.

But to prove to you that Tyler's chess set is by far not the worst thing you could own, I'll give you a taste of what true chess horror looks like. 

Let's begin.

The Classic Glass Set You Can't Escape

You've seen this before—we all have. The glass chess set is not only horrendous and impractical, but it's also everywhere. It's like a nightmare that won't go away. 

While the glass chess set is physically ugly, its most outrageous aggression is against the players' ears. The sound of glass pieces sliding on top of a glass board is like a chalk screech that pierces your ears and scars your soul. On top of that, you can't even flip the table after a tilting losing streak without shattering the chessboard and getting a few stitches (and maybe a lawsuit from your wounded opponent).

Only a person with no sense of self-preservation could create a board game made out of glass. Following that logic, why don't we throw all caution to the wind and start selling glass Jenga or even glass Dominoes? I'm sure it would be as safe and pleasant as glass chess.

The Trojan Horse

This is another classic that anyone who plays chess has seen at some point. I like to call it the Trojan Horse. You just want to play chess, but somehow, you end up with a bunch of checker pieces. 

"But what's the harm?" you might wonder. "After all, you're still getting a chess set." Well, my innocent chess-playing reader, that's exactly what they want you to think. Just like the Trojans when they brought a strangely heavy wooden horse into their homes, getting one of these sets could be your demise.

The pieces are usually way too big and light, so you'll spend half your clock trying to move and rearrange the pieces that bump into each other. But even worse, just having checker pieces lying around might give people the wrong idea. Can you imagine if someone said they were too tired of chess, and maybe you could play a round of checkers now?

You don't want that kind of crazy talk around your house. 

The Expensive Set With A Decapitated Horse

While the makers of this chess set claim that their knights "resembles a horse grazing his pastures," I personally think their knights resemble The Godfather. 

I pray that I never wake up with that knight on my bed. That would be scary. And why is the knight the only piece that's portrayed realistically, while everything else is stylized to look like an ice cream cone? That's nonsense, just like paying $500 for a set like this.

The Even More Expensive And Even Uglier Set

I understand luxury brands need to look quirky and creative. But I also understand limits. Where's the line between trendy and just plain ugly?

Our folks at Tiffany decided to push this question to the limit—all while charging more than $140,000 for a chess set. This set has a lot of the same terrible characteristics as the glass set. However, dropping a 24k gold piece must be considerably more painful than dropping a cheap piece of glass. 

The Hungover Set

I almost didn't include this chess set because I feel bad for it. Just by looking at it, you can tell that its pieces are not having a good day.

The knight looks way too tired. The bishop undoubtedly had a rough night. The queen can't take it anymore, and the king needs to hold a stick for balance. 

But the thing that bothers me the most is that the pawn reminds me of Squidward.

Read It And Weep

Sometimes, a concept sounds good on paper but doesn't quite work out when you see it in real life. I bet Dr. Frankenstein was psyched up with the prospect of creating his very own creature, but we all know how that turned out.

As a typography fan who loves playing chess, I felt the same way when I heard about this chess set. It's hard not to get intrigued when someone tells you there's a chess set with pieces shaped like their actual names. 

But when the result is an army of blocky pieces that seem disproportionate, especially when put next to a gigantic king and queen... Well, let's just say the chess pieces speak for themselves.

Honey, Did You Water The Chess Set?

"Oh, no! My pawns are all dry!" 

If your chess set has ever made you worry about how healthy it is, it means you've made a bad choice somewhere in your life. Losing your pieces because you keep blundering is hard enough. You don't need to make it even harder by literally seeing your pieces dry out and die because you forgot to water them.

They Made Dragons And Chess Look Bad

Chess is one of the oldest and most popular games in the world. Dragons are mythical creatures of great power and beauty. What about a dragon chess set? Probably one of the ugliest things you'll see in your entire life. 

I don't know how, but they managed to make both chess and dragons look bad. And you can't even play with this set because all the pieces look like an amorphous blob of lizards. 

Overpromise And Underdeliver

I really don't know what happened here. They call it the "Deluxe Cartoon Character Chess Set," and claim it's "engaging" and "vibrant." They also claim it's "an ideal tool for early chess learning and beyond" because it comes with a "unique teaching mode via CD."

That's how they describe it, that's what they promised. Here's what they delivered:

First of all, why are the bishops wearing onesies? Also, the rooks look like candles, and the queen's crooked eyebrows make her look puzzled. Maybe she's wondering what happened to her youth and how she ended up with that weird-looking king. 

Conclusion

I bet that Louis Vuitton chess set is not looking bad at all right now, is it? The lesson here is twofold: first, we need to learn to appreciate the plain and simple chess sets in our lives. Second, if this article inspires you but you still wouldn't buy Tyler's chess set for yourself, you can always buy it for me as a gift. My doors are always open.